We are foster parents.

There is something truly unique about foster parenting, that most people can’t understand. It’s one of those, “if you know you know” situations. There are so many scenarios that you encounter as a foster parent that you would never run into as a bio parent, or even as an adoptive parent.

Sometimes, this makes it really hard to feel like you can share what’s going on with someone else who really understands.

For example, there’s something so strange and uniquely “foster care” about having to mentally prepare to love someone forever and be excited about it, while simultaneously having to mentally prepare for them to go back home, or to another home, and be equally invested in that option.

You can’t really love fully unless you let yourself break down all those walls and love that child like they are your own. But you also don’t always get to choose how that child’s story ends.

Which brings us to today.

Today, I showed up for a virtual call to discuss permanency for a child that is no longer in my home. I’m listed as a support person for this amazing guy, and I was invited to the call to get updates on his progress in his new home. I remember a few months ago when this meeting was scheduled. Back then, the plan was for him to return to parent OR be adopted. (yes, you read that right, his plan included two opposite things. That is the mind eff that is foster care sometimes).

Back then, I thought that we would be part of this meeting, because this is the meeting where the plan changed. Parent’s rights have been terminated, and the plan now is only adoption.

Today, I sat on mute, sobbing, as I listened to the social worker ask another momma if she would adopt my boy. She said yes, enthusiastically. That’s always been their plan, just like it always was my plan.

I can’t really describe the emotions this brought up in my heart. I’m happy for him. But I’m also grieving over what I thought the future would look like for us, with him in it.

It feels almost wrong to love someone so much, when he was never really mine to begin with.

But. The hardest part, is that he called me, not long after that meeting. He called me on his way home from school, with his mom in the car. He was excited, but I could tell that I was on speaker phone, and that she was listening. He told me about his horse, he thanked me politely for the valentines box I sent him, and then we ran out of things to talk about. I gave him an out, told him I had to go….then I said “I love you buddy”. He said, ok…bye.

I’m not sure which one hurt worse, hearing another mom say she will take him forever, or hearing him moving on without me.

Both. Both of them hurt worse.