One thing I’ve been trying to do lately is listen to something – podcast, audiobook, etc. while I’m working. Lately, it’s been Brene Brown while I’m mowing the grass. If you haven’t heard her speak, you should definitely listen. Brene is a researcher who studies fear, shame, and vulnerability.

I know, right?

BUT, listening to her speak resonated with me on so many levels. Her work teaches people to be brave, to show up as their true selves, and to be able to be vulnerable with other people. These are all of the things I need in my life right now apparently because I could not stop listening.

Here is Brene Brown’s mantra for authenticity: “Choose discomfort over resentment”. This means showing up as your true self, even if it’s uncomfortable in the moment.

Her example is showing up to her kid’s school overwhelmed and then being asked to bring 4 dozen brownies for a school bake sale. Now… we’ve all been there. You have two options here: make the brownies, and be mad at yourself later because you didn’t have time, OR, choose the temporary discomfort of saying no, and avoid resenting yourself later. Saying “Yes, I’d love to!” in that moment is not showing up as your true self, because you won’t love to and you don’t have time.

Brene has a ring she spins while she repeats this manta to herself three times in her head; “choose discomfort over resentment, choose discomfort over resentment, choose discomfort over resentment”. Then, “no, I’m so sorry – I can not make 4 dozen brownies for your bake sale this week, my plate is full right now. I would love to come support your bake sale, but I cannot make brownies.”

This is genius. Genius. I love that she uses the ring because it ties in muscle memory to the practice of being authentic. The repeated movement of spinning the ring while you repeat the phrase in your head helps those words sink in better. It also gives you a few full seconds to think before you open your mouth to answer.

This is where I get myself in trouble most often! Someone will ask me to do something I don’t want to do, but they are standing there staring at me, and there’s pressure to say yes…so I jump to say yes to fill the silence, and then drive the whole way home hating myself for agreeing to something that I didn’t want to say yes to in the first place.

This happens in foster care all. the. time. with me.

A case worker will call and say, “Hey – I’ve got a three year old boy that needs a place desperately right now. He’s not potty trained, is non-verbal and has huge delays in gross motor skills, and parents’ rights are being terminated so this will likely move toward adoption fairly quickly. Will you take him?”

Instantly, my gut response would be, heck no…we are all overloaded, that would throw off our whole family dynamic, and my husband would leave.”

But my answer out loud to the case worker would be, “Can you give me more details so I can ask my husband?”

And of course, my husband (who has no problem showing up authentically) would be like, are you crazy?! We don’t even have a room to put a three year old in, we couldn’t handle that right now, and we don’t even have the required vaccines to take a kid under five and we aren’t licensed for that!

So then I would have to call the caseworker back, and stammer around and end with, “my husband says we can’t, I’m sorry.”

That is not authentic. And it’s doing a disservice to myself and to that worker. Because now I’ve wasted their time going through this child’s whole history with me, and then waiting for me to call and talk to Robby and then call them back. I could have said no and they would have moved on to find one of the homes that is actually waiting for a kid that age.

I’d like to say that I just don’t want any kids to be without somewhere to sleep for the night, but that’s bull. If I’m being honest with myself, I just don’t know how to say no. I’m trying to get better at that.

BUT. There’s also a flip side to choosing discomfort over resentment, and that means saying YES when it feels uncomfortable but it’s something that you can handle.

So for me, this would be saying yes to my foster daughter when she wants a ride to Walmart at 10pm to spend her first paycheck. This actually happened the other night. I was so tired when I got home from work that I literally wanted to curl up on the couch as soon as I got the little kids in bed. But, my girl had her first paycheck in her hand, and she was so excited to spend it on something she had been saving for. She asked if I would still take her to the store, and I had to repeat in my head, “choose discomfort over resentment” several times before I could answer.

I knew that saying no would be so much easier in that moment, but I also knew that it would be a great bonding time with her, to go somewhere just the two of us and do something that she was so excited about. If I had said no, I would have regretted missing out on that moment with her.

That’s a small example, but it works for big things too. I have to remember this mantra both ways actually when a social worker calls. I never feel like we are prepared enough, I never feel like it’s the perfect time to say yes to another kid joining our family. I always feel scared. I always feel like we may not be the best fit for this child, and that it may have a negative impact on our bio kids. I always have fear.

But showing up authentically means choosing what’s best for our family in the long run, and not just based on the comfort or discomfort of the immediate choice. It means saying no when it’s something that I know we aren’t able to handle, and it means saying yes when there are minor inconveniences to get over, but we are able to handle it .

I think this idea of practicing how to show up authentically is awesome. But, I also felt really prompted to make it my own, with a mantra from scripture. Because if I’m honest with myself, I will choose comfort almost every time over obedience. I needed a Bible verse to remind me that it’s good to show up as yourself authentically, but also that I’m not called to be comfortable.

I was looking for one verse, but I actually found three. All different, but with a very similar theme.

Romans 12:9-10 – “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”

Ephesians 4:1-3 – “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

1 Peter 3:7-9 – “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

When I find the same thing in scripture three times, I know I need to pay attention. In this case, it’s a theme: be humble, compassionate, and patient; love each other.

Be humble, compassionate, and patient. Love each other.

The world would look a lot different if we all did this every day.

My world would look a lot different if I did this every day.

Be humble.

Be compassionate.

Be patient.

Love each other.