If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. – James 4:7

Yesterday morning, on my way into work, I noticed someone out of the left corner of my eye. I was hurrying to cross the street, but she was hurrying faster. She was almost at a run, at 8am, in the freezing 20 degree weather, wearing what looked like a robe and slippers. Her skin was black and her hair was short, almost like it had been shaved.

At first I couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman, or why they were half running. I’d like to ease my pride by telling you that it happened so fast that I didn’t have time to think or react, but the truth is, there was a split second where God asked me to obey. I didn’t.

Then there was a second chance. And I let that one pass too.

There are so many times that I wrestle with obedience. I’ve been asking the Lord to train me again, like a little child, so that I can jump when He asks me to move, instead of dragging my feet, negotiating, and having to try again over and over.

He is very faithful, and He gives me lots of chances to obey, but I want to be the child who obeys out of love for Him, not because I’m motivated by fear of punishment.

On this morning, in the freezing cold, as I crossed the street, I looked to my left. I was close enough that I could have called out, “are you ok?” or “do you need help?” but I kept walking to get out of the street (excuse number 1).

As I got to the door of my office, I lingered. Unlocking the door much more slowly than usual, I waited for her to walk down the sidewalk behind me. I thought, surely if she’s in trouble, she will call out to me (excuse number 2). When she didn’t, I turned to look one last time. Our eyes met, there in the frigid cold, and she pulled her thin robe closer around herself and kept walking.

I knew then that I was being given a second chance to say something, but my fear, and the beckoning comfort of my warm office on the other side of the door, kept me silent.

When I looked back again, she was gone.

I went on about my day, but even as I did, I knew that I had missed the split second moment I had been asking for to practice obedience.

But, it was a busy day, and by the end of it I had almost forgotten the encounter from that morning. Until, I left work and got in my car to head home. As I passed my office, up ahead at the end of the road, I saw the same woman from that morning. This time, she was wearing a man’s brown coat over her pajamas and robe. She was walking still, but not with the same urgency as she had been that morning. This time, she was walking up to the dumpster behind the gas station that’s well known for letting the homeless people hang out on the front sidewalk. I slowed the car as I passed her, watching her look into the dumpster as I went by.

Again, I felt that nudge.

I reached into the floorboard and pulled up the box we had packed a few days before, pulled out one of the ziplock bags with some toiletries, some packs of crackers, a comb, and hand sanitizer. I made a lap around the block, muttering something like why, Lord?! as I came back around. She looked ok now, wasn’t running, wasn’t freezing to death, why did I have to turn around and go back when I obviously didn’t want to?

If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.

The truth is, I have really really bad anxiety. You will see if you make it to the end of this story, that this was not a normal thing for me talk to a stranger or stop and do something outside of my normal routine. See, I have Asperger’s. Hence the name of this blog. ha. I’ve spent most of my life actively trying to force myself to talk to other people, and also avoiding at all costs having to talk to people I don’t know.

But, the Lord wasn’t letting this one go. When I creeped up to the stop sign in front of the gas station, I saw her again. This time, she was standing on the front sidewalk of the store, with 2 other men who were much larger and scarier looking. I panicked, and bailed again. I turned right instead of left, and went back toward my house. This time, it was a willful act of disobedience on my part.

I knew in my heart I was supposed to go give her that bag of food. Even if I felt stupid, even if she was with some scary looking guys, even if…

Yet, I chose not to.

I kept driving.

I told the Lord, I’ll just ask for forgiveness later.

He replied, be careful, because some of you have entertained angels unaware.

At this point, I was about halfway home. I was at least ten minutes away from the woman and the gas station. I was trying to outrun my fear, letting my pride run wild as I convinced myself that God would love me anyway, that He would forgive me anyway. The truth is, He would. But He died for me out of love, and He asks me to love others that same way. When He reminded me of that, I realized…it didn’t matter if this lady was an angel in disguise, or a victim of trafficking, or a regular old streetwalking druggie…

She was a person, made in His image, who He loved and cared about enough to send me back 4 different times throughout the day, just to get her a baggie of food and toiletries.

And I realized something about myself too.

He loves me enough to force me out of my comfortable “not-people-loving” shell, and He loves me enough to make me brave. He loves me so much that He doesn’t want me to stay like messy, broken me. Just like He loves her enough that He doesn’t want her digging through the trash for a meal.

This was finally enough to make me turn around again, this time with a repentant heart. I wish I could say that when I got there I wasn’t scared, but that would be a lie. I was freaking out so badly that my knees were shaking, my heart was pounding, and I thought I was going to throw up.

She was still standing with the two men. I pulled into the parking space and decided I was just going to sit there for a second. Then, one of the men left. The other one turned and started off toward his right, my left as I was sitting right in front of them in my car. He walked right in front of my car, and then she followed.

I rolled down my window, and I meant to call her over, but my words got stuck in my throat and I couldn’t make a single sound come out.

The man walked across the street, and she started to follow. Instead of crossing the street directly though, she was wavering in the middle of the road, as though she was trying to figure out if she should follow the man or turn and go in the other direction on her own.

It was just enough time for me to back out of my parking spot and pull up to her there in the middle of the road. I rolled down my window and called out to her. She turned, but didn’t come any closer. She gave me a questioning look and just stood there, frozen in the middle of the road.

I wish I could have said something profound, or even just something slightly meaningful to give her hope or something….even just asking her name or telling her that God loved her would have been something.

All I could get out was, “I felt like I was supposed to come give this to you”.

And again, she looked at me like I had two heads and I was a trap she was supposed to avoid. When I think about it from her perspective, I was in a black SUV with tinted windows, trying to get her to come take a ziplock bag from me. I probably looked like some crazy undercover cop or something.

She cocked her head to the side and said, “food…?”

I said yeah, it’s a little food and some cash and some other stuff…

She took it, and I drove away, telling her to have a good day. I went up the street a little and then turned around to head back toward my house. When I passed her, I looked over, and she was walking still, hugging that ziplock bag like I had just given her a teddy bear. She looked like a lost little girl there wandering down the sidewalk. For that moment, I was so glad that I went back.

I drove home, thanking the Lord for grace. Under different circumstances, I could have been in her shoes. I thanked Him for his mercy – that he gave me 4 different chances to obey before I finally listened. He could have provided what she needed from the sky or someone else or even the dumpster if He wanted, but He wanted to use me.

I almost missed it.